To my sister: What to expect when you are expecting

I feel like everyone around me is pregnant, trying to get pregnant, or having a baby soon (like this week, Jessica!) Punctuating this feeling was my recent trip to the movies to see "What to Expect When You Are Expecting." My friend Amanda and I laughed through the movie as it poked fun at the whole experience of thinking about having a baby, trying to make a baby, finding out you are having a baby, growing a baby, and finally popping that baby out. I think the movie was so funny to us because it was relevant to our lives and something we had both recently been through. And that got me thinking about what it was like to be pregnant. Not just what it felt like to have a baby inside you, but what it was like to be pregnant with your first child and wonder about your life after the baby had come. This idea is what has inspired me to write tonight. Trying to describe what it is like to have a baby to someone who has never had one is hard. It is practically indescribable, so enormous in its scope that you don't even know where to begin. But here I go: 

What to expect when you are expecting: words of wisdom from a 2 time mom to an expectant one.

Tears. 

Tears are what you can expect when you are expecting. Surely you had a dose of uncontrollable crying while you were pregnant, I know I sure did. I cried about everything, from sweet Hallmark cards, to funny commercials to news stories that would have previously not really have registered on my radar. I thought that all this crying would end when I delivered my little baby Laney, but I was wrong. The tears just kept coming. During my delivery they were tears of pain, mixed with tears of nervousness. I cried relentlessly into the waning hours of the night as the contractions gripped my body and I tried with all my might to push my baby out. Suddenly there she was and the tears that wet my cheeks were now tears of joy as I watched my baby suck in her first breaths of air and heard the wobbly sound of her first cries. I cried more tears of elation watching my family pass that baby around the delivery room at 2am, amazed and what I had made and welcoming the newest member of the family. Later that night I cried silent tears as I watched my husband snuggle her blissfully in a chair by my bedside as the doctors were caring for me, not wanting to disturb a man who was clearly falling in love with his daughter.

 I didn't sleep at all that night and by the next afternoon, the tears became symbols of exhaustion. I was so busy falling in love with my baby that I forgot to take care of myself and began to pay for it emotionally. My body was a physical disaster from a long labor and delivery and I felt overwhelmed at the level of care the baby required, something I was not prepared for. Soon I began to cry tears of self-doubt, wondering if I was fit to be a mother and if we had made a terrible mistake. I had no idea how to care for a baby and could not find it in me to trust my insticts. This feeling lasted for weeks for me, and the tears kept coming. I just couldn't stop crying and I didn't feel like a mom. I felt out of sync with my life and my baby. My doctor had me take extra antidepressants, and a friend loaned me a copy of Brooke Shield's book "Down Came the Rain." Slowly, the sad tears stopped and the happy tears returned. I began to find joy in the smallest things: a coo, a sweet sigh while Laney was sleeping, and the list goes on. I woke up one morning to find myself deeply in love with my baby and even that made my cry again.

 During the months that followed the birth of my first child, a rocky trail of tears followed me. Most of the time the tears were squeezed out of me by the grip of sheer exhauustion wracking my body. Getting up every 3 to 4 hours at night is a hazard to your health. Sometimes I would cry because I was so tired I couldn't even fall asleep. Over time Laney began to wake up less and less at night and I began to feel better and better. Eventually I felt normal again, except for the tears. The tears never stopped, but that became a good thing. Here's why: Once you have a baby, you have no choice but to stop and smell the roses. Children have a way of making you focus on the little things, and that is where the tears come in again. Being there for all the special moments of your child's life is awesome, and every day with them seems like a gift from God. That feeling right there has leveled me to a crying mess many a quiet night as I rocked my children to sleep in their bedrooms, softly singing each of them their special lullabys. Children also have a way of putting the world in perspective. Slowly the things you thought were important once just fade away until being a family is the first thing you think of in the morning and the last thing you think of before you go to bed. The first time you see a news story about a child being hurt or injured after you have a baby will drop you to your knees with sadness. You won't be able to watch the evening news again without thinking about the "what ifs?" and the fear you can dream up will make your eyes well up as you squeeze your baby a little tighter.

 Tears. I never knew how much of a part of my life they would be after I had children. I like to tell people that being a mom means that you just become a softer, kinder, gentler version of yourself. I like to think that being softer means that you feel more deeply, hence the free flowing tears. Just a sweet hug or a big happy smile from one of the kids can make me feel all misty, and I'm good with that. My tears are an outward expression of love for my children and for being a mother. My eyes well up with tears most days not because I am sad, but just the opposite. Being a mom has opened my heart to a kind of love that I never knew existed until I held Laney in my arms. It overflows me heart daily, and that is the real reason for the tears, my little drops of love.

 So, what can you expect when you are expecting? Hopefully, you are expecting some tears. You won't regret them. Just make sure to pack some Kleenex.

Swim lessons part 3 & 4

4 weeks of swim lessons have come and gone, and I for one am thrilled. I am thrilled at the results just as I am thrilled to not have to make the daily trek to the swim complex. Schlepping 2 less-than-thrilled kids to the pool Monday through Thursday put quite a kink in my schedule, and now that it is over I am enjoying my new found "free time", which I am using to catch up on laundry, gardening, etc. {amazing how my definition of free time has changed since having kids} Anyhow, my kids can swim and that is what truly matters. Mother's Day weekend fell between weeks 3 and 4, and Patrick and I found ourselves without kids overnight as we attended a wedding in Newport Beach. The kids stayed with Shesh and PopPop and did a ton of swimming while we were gone. The amazing part was that Liam finally found his comfort level in the pool. My mom got him to start swimming to her in the jacuzzi and he has never looked back. By the time we went swimming with him Sunday afternoon, whe was happily floating along and putting his face in the water, even jumping to us from the steps. We were truly able to enjoy swimming as a family and it finally made tropical vacations seem doable some day. Laney continued to swim back and forth across the jacuzzi for hours on end, even braving the chilly waters of the pool to splash around in the beach area of the pool and play with the dogs. After a full day of swimming she tells us that it looks "froggy" inside, and we have to douse her eyes in saline drops. Week 3 of swim lessons passed with Laney being able to swim the entire length of the swimming pool, stopping to float and catch her breath and then flipping over and paddling some more. Liam finally figured out how to float on his back after being weighed down with a bulky sweatshirt in the water. Week 4 found both kids working on survival skills and learning what it felt like to fall into the water fully clothed. They had to go in in street clothes as well as winter wear and then flip themselves over and float. Both passed with flying colors, and Laney was even wearing swim fins and swimming through underwater hula hoops to pick up toys off the bottom of the pool in the shallow end. All in all, I am really glad that I put the kids through their paces and had them do this program. It was hard-core and so gnarly at times that I began to doubt myself and whether I had made the right choice. I am so glad that we stuck it out though, because the results were worth it. Peace of mind is something you can't put a price on, and these lessons gave me a pretty big dose of it. We will continue to remain hyper vigilant around water with the kids, but just knowing that they aren't totally helpless should the worst happen makes me sleep a little easier at night.

Fork you!

Laney decided that she really wanted to ride her bike to the park on Friday morning.  So after Liam's nap that afternoon, we headed off for some playtime.  We came back to the house at 5:30pm, and I began making dinner immediately due to Liam's rumbling tummy.  I put some water on to boil and got out a box of  mini-rotelle wheels for the kids.  Buttered-Parmesan pasta wheels is their all-time favorite meal!  Liam was pacing hungrily around the kitchen after he heard me pour the pasta in the water, wanting it to be done immediately.  Since we had 8 minutes to kill until dinner time, I tried to get him to help me set the table.  We put the placemats out, and I let him carry the butter tub and container of Parmesan cheese to the table.  Next I gave him napkins and kid forks to take over there.  He came back with his fork which has a chubby plastic handle and blunted metal tines on it.  He started pointing at the empty box of pasta on the counter and saying "pasta".  Then he pointed to my cookie jar and correctly said "owl".  Then he pointed to a monkey on his shirt and started making monkey noises, so I made them back.  This made him laugh and we kept it up for a minute or so.  I then squatted down to make more noises with him.  His smile vanished as his brandished his fork and lunged toward me in a classic fencing pose, mouth erupting with menacing growl.  It caught me so off guard that I fell backward onto my butt right in the middle of my kitchen.  Then he raised his fork, pointed to the empty box and screamed "PASTA!!!"     It was as if Liam was telling me to get back to work and make him dinner.  Or as my mom more accurately described it:  "Fork you mom!"

Did my precious little boy really just try to stab me?  Yes, he most certainly did.  And, now I have proof that I have passed on one of my lesser genetic traits:  Hanger {pronounced hang-grrrr}.  I have long suffered from this horrible affliction, an embarassing combo of hunger and anger that causes you to act highly irrationally at the thought of not being fed.  My Hanger reached a new level of viciousness when I was pregnant, but has tapered off since then.  This was the first time that I had seen it occur in Liam.  Only once before did I see Laney exhibit such behavior during an ill-fated trip to a burger restaurant where she sat in our booth yelling "FRIES" at the top of her lungs in the direction of the kitchen until our food was brought to us.  Hanger is not pretty and I am not all that excited by the notion that both of my kids have inherited it.

I guess I will have to watch my back from now on when my kids are circling the kitchen at meal times.  Does anyone know where I can buy a bulletproof apron?

Swimming lessons: week 2

So week 2 went pretty much how week 1 went:  there was a lot of screaming and crying involved, and slightly less barfing afterward.  However, I could see definite improvements after 8 lessons.  Laney swam half the length of the lap pool using the swim-float-swim method.  She can finally turn herself over to her back to get a breath, and then flip back to her tummy to continue swimming.

This week we made Liam swim first each day because he hates swimming.  He begins to cry in the parking lot after he has figured out where we are and continues crying right through getting dressed and into the pool.  He cries every time he comes up for air while swimming and cries while being toweled off and changed after swimming.  By the time that Laney is done with her lesson he is fine and even smiling and waving at his instructors.  They tell me that he doesn't like swimming because learning to swim is hard work.  I think he doesn't like swimming because he is Liam and he has the disposition of a cantankerous old man.

Laney took a different approach to trying to get out of swimming each day:  bargaining.  She would sit in my lap wrapped in a towel nervously asking if Liam was done every minute or so.  When it came time to get him out of the pool she would cry and slowly back away from the pool while asking her instructors if she could just swim a few times and then get out.  She would only go towards the pool once they agreed with her, even though they had no intention of letting her have her way.  She would cry and fuss on the first few swims and then would get down to work and even smile.  Still, she would report daily that her favorite part of swim class was "getting out of the pool."

This past weekend, things changed for her.  We took her to Shesh's house for some "fun swimming" as Laney puts it and she became a fish.  She discovered that she can do all of the things she has been working on and that she enjoys them!  Laney swam for 1.5 hours each day going back and forth across the Jacuzzi and the shallow end.  It was hard to get her out of the pool, and when I did she kept complaining that it was "froggy" in the house.  Translation:  she had a lot of pool water in her eyes and everything looked foggy to her.  That is a lot of swimming.

Today's lesson went very well too.  We brought her special "magic bathing suit" from Shesh's house and she had a ball at class, smiling the whole time and swim-float-swimming the entire length of the pool.  I was so proud standing there on the decking {with Liam howling in my ear} watching her discover how good she is at swimming.  Ah, how the littlest things can make your whole day!  Hopefully Liam can discover how much he likes to swim soon.