I feel like everyone around me is pregnant, trying to get pregnant, or having a baby soon (like this week, Jessica!) Punctuating this feeling was my recent trip to the movies to see "What to Expect When You Are Expecting." My friend Amanda and I laughed through the movie as it poked fun at the whole experience of thinking about having a baby, trying to make a baby, finding out you are having a baby, growing a baby, and finally popping that baby out. I think the movie was so funny to us because it was relevant to our lives and something we had both recently been through. And that got me thinking about what it was like to be pregnant. Not just what it felt like to have a baby inside you, but what it was like to be pregnant with your first child and wonder about your life after the baby had come. This idea is what has inspired me to write tonight. Trying to describe what it is like to have a baby to someone who has never had one is hard. It is practically indescribable, so enormous in its scope that you don't even know where to begin. But here I go:
What to expect when you are expecting: words of wisdom from a 2 time mom to an expectant one.
Tears.
Tears are what you can expect when you are expecting. Surely you had a dose of uncontrollable crying while you were pregnant, I know I sure did. I cried about everything, from sweet Hallmark cards, to funny commercials to news stories that would have previously not really have registered on my radar. I thought that all this crying would end when I delivered my little baby Laney, but I was wrong. The tears just kept coming.
During my delivery they were tears of pain, mixed with tears of nervousness. I cried relentlessly into the waning hours of the night as the contractions gripped my body and I tried with all my might to push my baby out. Suddenly there she was and the tears that wet my cheeks were now tears of joy as I watched my baby suck in her first breaths of air and heard the wobbly sound of her first cries. I cried more tears of elation watching my family pass that baby around the delivery room at 2am, amazed and what I had made and welcoming the newest member of the family. Later that night I cried silent tears as I watched my husband snuggle her blissfully in a chair by my bedside as the doctors were caring for me, not wanting to disturb a man who was clearly falling in love with his daughter.
I didn't sleep at all that night and by the next afternoon, the tears became symbols of exhaustion. I was so busy falling in love with my baby that I forgot to take care of myself and began to pay for it emotionally. My body was a physical disaster from a long labor and delivery and I felt overwhelmed at the level of care the baby required, something I was not prepared for. Soon I began to cry tears of self-doubt, wondering if I was fit to be a mother and if we had made a terrible mistake. I had no idea how to care for a baby and could not find it in me to trust my insticts. This feeling lasted for weeks for me, and the tears kept coming. I just couldn't stop crying and I didn't feel like a mom. I felt out of sync with my life and my baby. My doctor had me take extra antidepressants, and a friend loaned me a copy of Brooke Shield's book "Down Came the Rain." Slowly, the sad tears stopped and the happy tears returned. I began to find joy in the smallest things: a coo, a sweet sigh while Laney was sleeping, and the list goes on. I woke up one morning to find myself deeply in love with my baby and even that made my cry again.
During the months that followed the birth of my first child, a rocky trail of tears followed me. Most of the time the tears were squeezed out of me by the grip of sheer exhauustion wracking my body. Getting up every 3 to 4 hours at night is a hazard to your health. Sometimes I would cry because I was so tired I couldn't even fall asleep. Over time Laney began to wake up less and less at night and I began to feel better and better. Eventually I felt normal again, except for the tears. The tears never stopped, but that became a good thing. Here's why:
Once you have a baby, you have no choice but to stop and smell the roses. Children have a way of making you focus on the little things, and that is where the tears come in again. Being there for all the special moments of your child's life is awesome, and every day with them seems like a gift from God. That feeling right there has leveled me to a crying mess many a quiet night as I rocked my children to sleep in their bedrooms, softly singing each of them their special lullabys. Children also have a way of putting the world in perspective. Slowly the things you thought were important once just fade away until being a family is the first thing you think of in the morning and the last thing you think of before you go to bed. The first time you see a news story about a child being hurt or injured after you have a baby will drop you to your knees with sadness. You won't be able to watch the evening news again without thinking about the "what ifs?" and the fear you can dream up will make your eyes well up as you squeeze your baby a little tighter.
Tears. I never knew how much of a part of my life they would be after I had children. I like to tell people that being a mom means that you just become a softer, kinder, gentler version of yourself. I like to think that being softer means that you feel more deeply, hence the free flowing tears. Just a sweet hug or a big happy smile from one of the kids can make me feel all misty, and I'm good with that. My tears are an outward expression of love for my children and for being a mother. My eyes well up with tears most days not because I am sad, but just the opposite. Being a mom has opened my heart to a kind of love that I never knew existed until I held Laney in my arms. It overflows me heart daily, and that is the real reason for the tears, my little drops of love.
So, what can you expect when you are expecting? Hopefully, you are expecting some tears. You won't regret them. Just make sure to pack some Kleenex.
