My life is a comedy of errors

How could any SAHM (stay at home mom) be bored with a life like this?


1.  The Bathroom Incident

Michael and Brodie came over a few Sundays ago to watch football with us.  It was game time for the Chargers, and like all good fans/parents, we allowed Brodie and Laney to ride their scooters around the house so they could play and we could watch the game.  (What?!?  We made them wear helmets at least)  They were having a great time playing by themselves and we were having a great time enjoying the game, especially since Liam was napping.  Things got quiet in the playroom and the next thing I know Laney came running out of the bathroom crying hysterically, holding her hand in the air.  At first I thought there was something wrong with the helmet, or that her hand was stuck in the straps.  She ran right over to Patrick and wailed, "Brodie peed on my hand!"  All of the adults in the room burst out laughing and I ran into the bathroom to check out the situation.  There was poor Brodie standing in front of the toilet looking stunned, naked from the waist down.  His lower lip started quivering and he tearfully said, "Laney closed the seat!  She closed the seat and the pee went everywhere.  Now there's a big mess.  I said I was sorry!  I said I was sorry!"  Poor little Brodie.  I'm pretty sure no one covered this situation in his potty training lessons.  There was a pee flood all over the toilet seat and the floor, and I realized that Laney had put the seat down mid-stream.  I'm not sure she has ever seen a man pee standing up and was most likely confused by the fact that Brodie wasn't peeing the way I taught her.  I reassured Brodie that we were not mad at him and I quickly cleaned him and the mess up.  Then we informed the kids that they should only go to the bathroom one at a time from now on because everyone likes their privacy.  At least they aren't kissing cousins!

2.  The Grocery Store Incident
I took the kids to the grocery store this afternoon for a few incidentals and a flu shot for me at the pharmacy counter.  Liam got a little stir crazy in the shopping cart seat while we were waiting and decided that he would make it rain Goldfish crackers in an attempt to get the pharmacist moving faster.  When that didn't work he resorted to scratching me with his sharp little nails and pulling my hair.  I was a captive audience since I had to push the cart and he really made a mess of my bare arms.  Laney scored a lollipop from the pharmacist after he gave me my vaccination, and promptly dropped it on the floor one aisle later eliciting a loud shriek that could be heard all the way over in the meat department.  I got her a new lollipop on the way out and we loaded up the car.  Liam pulled my hair one more time for good measure as I strapped him in.  Then I went to help Laney strap in and got a well-timed kick to the face from her for my good intentions.  Apparently she wanted to do it herself.  To smooth over the situation she then told me "I like to eat poop and people."  Well, how do you not laugh at that?  She was proud of herself for "teasing" mommy and I was a little in awe over the fact that she was able to difuse what was going to result in a spank for her with not-so-subtle toddler humor. We made it home and I got kicked again 15 minutes later when I yelled at her for pushing her brother and put her in time out.  A few minutes after that I got walloped by Liam (again) and his hair brush wielding hands.  This marks the 4th or 5th time I have been smacked by his hair brush this week.  You would think I would learn that Liam likes to leave a mark.  Thank God Patrick stepped in for the next battle with Laney.  Any more abuse from the kids and I was likely to run screaming from the house.

3.  The Ice Capades/Disney on Ice Incident
I bought tickets for Laney and I to go to the Sports Arena for the ice capades.  I have to say that I was really dreading the event and the promise of buying a cool light up toy for her once we got there.  Laney talked me into buying her a $22 spinning Tinkerbell light wand, which I only later realized that she wanted for its abusive whipping properties.  She goes around the house with it whirling away letting it thwack into the furniture, walls, and her brother when I am not looking.  She got it tangled in her hair later and I actually was a teeny bit happy for that small amount of "that's what you get" she was offered.  Anyhow, on the way to the arena we were talking in the car about what it would be like inside.  I told her it would be dark, like the movies and that she would have her own seat right next to me.  She wanted to know what color her seat was and I replied that we would have to look when we got there.  Then I forgot about the conversation until we made it all the way down to our row.  "Here we are at our seats!" I chirped to Laney.  She turned and pointed at our row and proclaimed, "Look, they're black!"  I then looked past our 2 black seats to see 5 black faces staring at us.  Yes, we were sitting right next to a lovely black family who now thought that Laney was pointing at them.  I had to proclaim in a loud voice, "Yes, our seats are black.  Not red like we thought they would be."  The black family kept looking at me like I was nuts and I tried to explain, but I could tell they didn't really believe me.  So, we sat there next to them for the next 2 HOURS (how could the ice capades really last that long?)  I was so uncomfortable and couldn't wait for it to get dark in the arena as I sunk into my seat and waited out the performance.

4.  The F Word Incident
I was having a remarkably long day and feeling overtaxed as Liam's birthday party was just a few days away.  I had a long list of things to accomplish so I could pull off the event in true Tracy style.  It was one of those days that required careful planning of my errand schedule so I could get everything done and still have happy children.  Just as I reached my max stress level I heard my text message alert on my phone.  Patrick texted me asking me to pick up something for him at the store, as if I didn't already have enough to do.  I thought to myself, "Are you f***ing kidding me?"  Apparently I thought that one out loud because Laney then asked me if my phone was "f***ing kidding."  Perfect.  Hopefully she can pop that little phrase out at nursery school and I can get called in by the director next week.  I had to explain to her that I said a really, really bad word and she should never say it.  I'm sure she is just holding onto it waiting for the perfect time to F-bomb someone and embarrass the shit out of me.

Here's hoping that f**k isn't Liam's next word...