Targetians: Giving Walmartians a run for their money

I took the kids on a *fun* outing today to Target.  They will do anything for crap from the $1 bin, including being nice to each other while I fill up my cart with cleaning supplies and more kids clothes they don't really need.  They love riding in this cart, which I am pretty sure is at least 8 feet long.  At least it has a 5 point harness for each child so they can't get away from me!

The lamest of all carts to push around a big box store.  God help me, my kids shriek with joy when they see it empty.

So, as I wheeled this red monstrosity through the children's clothing department, we got stuck between several rounders of clothes.  I mean, wedged tightly between the rounders with no escape route.  Liam started pulling clothes off the hanger and flinging them in the air (of course).   I put the red monster in reverse and finally found an aisle big enough for a 50 point turn.  Lesson learned.  No clothes shopping with the kids in a red boat.  I knew there was a reason that I loved online shopping:  you can drink wine and no one throws clothes like confetti at you.

Anyhow, we wheeled over to the cleaning aisle and as I made a left turn down an aisle (after properly signalling to the carts around me!) I found a woman with 2 kids in a cart similar to mine.  Only she was shopping with a bowl in her hands so her kid could throw up into it.  That's right, there was a small child barfing in the cleaning aisle at Target.  Hey God, didn't I already have enough barf for one week?  If you don't know what I am talking about, read my previous blog post about swim lessons.  As a mom of 2 mildly well-behaved children, I try not to judge other moms and the way they parent while I'm out and about.  However, is there really any cleaning supply so necessary that you would drag your barfy kid to Target along with a mixing bowl and a baby? I watched her stow the child in the seat and the barf-filled bowl on the bottom of the cart, and calmly continue perusing the cleaning aisle.  Right then I knew that whatever it was that I had previously needed from that aisle, I would be happy to pay top dollar for later at Albertsons.  We blasted backwards out of that aisle and found another one clear of bodily fluids.

We picked up a case of dog food I got a running start to get our cart going towards the check-out stands.  Just as we topped out at max-cart speed, a woman in a Lil' Rascal wheeled up next to us and asked Liam if he wanted to race.  She then tipped her head back and cackled, flashing us her few remaining teeth as she sped off.   Liam turned around to look at me with what I can only imagine was his "What the F was that?" look.  If only I had a picture!

My Grammy recently declared that she would love to go to Walmart sometime to people watch after viewing the People of Walmart website.  Perhaps I will start a new website dedicated to Targetians and all of their weirdness.  Isn't anyone normal anymore?

Swimming lessons, week 1

The kids survived their first week of swim lessons with Fin2swim.com's instructors, Keri and Calvin.  We met them at the local pool for a 30 minute lesson Monday-Thursday.  The lessons were basically 30 minutes of protracted torture for the kids, then a bonus round of torture for me as they took turns barfing on me after their lessons.  Liam punctuated his hatred of the pool by peeing on me twice this week as I changed him into dry clothes.

The particular method that their instructors use is not for a lesser mommy to watch.  The kids work very hard for 15 minutes a day (4 times a week) for a month.  The instructors take turns dunking them into the water and propelling them forward to get the kids to start kicking and paddling.  They pop the kids up from underwater every few seconds so they can get a breath.  They continue their lesson in a calm and reassuring, yet take-no-prisoners manner until both kids are exhausted and ready to get out.  While in the water, they both cry and scream and become hysterical after swallowing mouthfuls of water.  Laney hates going so much that she wraps herself around my neck as I carry her to the pool and her instructor has to help pry her off of me.   They both get sick after getting out of the pool because of all that crying and the water they have taken in.  Still, as soon as they are both dry, they are back to their normal moods and Laney usually professes over dinner that it was fun to swim.  Liam has begun swimming underwater a few feet back and forth from his teachers and can float on his back by his self.  Laney swam half the distance of the pool yesterday.  The instructors flip her to her back every few feet so she can get a breath of air before continuing.  They made so much progress in 4 days!

The instructors promise me that at the end they will be able to flip to their backs and swim to the steps of the pool after falling in fully clothed.  They assure me that the kids will even like swimming when we are done with these lessons. (Let's hope so!  They aren't cheap.)  Drowning prevention is a must for us since we spend so much time at Shesh's house, and will be going to Lake Tahoe this summer.  I am just hoping that they still like swimming after all of these lessons end in a few weeks...In the meantime, I have started wearing crappy clothes to the pool and face the kids away from me when I wrap them in towels.  Oh the joys of motherhood.  It's just so glamorous.

We are family

Here is a portrait of our family as drawn by Laney today:

Please note that Laney told me that she was giving me extra long hair (apparently she thinks I bear a striking resemblance to Marge Simpson), and that Patrick is featured with armpit hair. (Laney expressly told me that she was adding hair to daddy's armpits as she drew the picture.)  Bonus, she drew hair on his head too!  Liam looks like an angry green alien searching our planet for signs of life, using the arms growing out of his head as a probe.  Laney herself looks like a happy little teacup.  Ironically, she is the only one who was drawn with ears, yet she never listens to me!

Laney did all the drawings without my help, and copied FAMILY with very little direction.  She only needed a little prompting to remember to add appendages and facial features!  Well done Laneybug. :)

PS--do any other Perrys think it looks like my drowsy eye is winking? ;)  That's what I thought, Lucille.

Someone hates the Easter bunny

This visit to the EB was a check swing...

This had me crying I was laughing so hard

This post by Jenny from the Blog at Suburbanjungle.com is so hilarious, that I almost shot coffee out my nose while reading it this morning. It is titled "Moms of Boys Are Jealous Shrews, So Here's a Contract for Your Son's Future Wife" click here for laughter

But really, she's kind of right...

Adventures in San Fran

A few weeks ago, Laney and I took a girls only trip to San Francisco to help host a baby shower for Jessica and baby Erik.  We flew there on Pop Pop's plane with a number of ladies, and proceeded straightfrom the airport shuttle to the shopping district.  Champagne was flowing all day, and a good time was had by all as we stopped by Macy's to help revive the economy via the shoe and handbag department.  Then we traipsed into the Rotunda in Nieman-Marcus under the auspices of having tea, but ended up with more champagne {what a travesty!}  We called for our Uber Cab to pick us up from Union Square and one arrived a few minutes later.  Uber Cab is an upscale cab company in SF  that uses Lincoln Towncars and a smartphone app to locate drivers and send them to the address you text them.  Our well dressed driver loaded up the trunk with our purchases and Laney's stroller and off we went. 

The drive went smoothly for about 1 block, and then I saw a wisp of something to my left.  My first thought was "is Grammy smoking?"  Then I realized that the smoke was not coming from my grandmother {who had Laney on her lap}, but from the ceiling of the cab.  It really began pouring into the back of the cab and I leaned over to our driver and announced, "Excuse me sir, but I think your cab is on fire."

He deftly manuevered to the curb and leapt from the front door, much to the chagrin of the other passengers who were beginning to panic because he had not unlocked our doors.  Joy and Shelley began to look like a pair of chickens seated to my left and right as theiy furiously worked the door handles attemping to release us from the death trap as it continued to pour acrid smelling smoke onto us.  Just as I was getting ready to pitch Laney through the driver's door, he came to his senses and unlocked the car.  We hopped out and grabbed our stuff from the trunk.  The driver fiddled with the passenger light bar above the door for a few minutes, and announced that the car was fixed and we could get back in.

No, thank you, we all replied.  We will just call another cab!  We ended up with a really nice driver named Bebe and no further incidents on the ride to the hotel.  I had Laney call Patrick after we checked into our room, and she announced to him that "the trip was fun and the taxi was on fire."  The phone was quickly handed back to me as Patrick needed to talk to mommy, curious about Laney's remark.  Laney was getting quite a lesson about life in a big city. 

We had some appetizers and cocktails with a large contingent of guests who had just arrived in SF for the shower, and headed up the street for a yummy dinner at a local spot that Jess and Gav like.  Laney was so well behaved, and nodded off cuddled in my lap during dinner.  We snuggled together in a queen bed that night and slept like champs without Liam to interrupt us. 

Saturday was the day of the shower, and it went perfectly.  Bebe picked us up again and helped us to unload all of our goods in the pouring rain and haul them into the restaurant.  Gigi, Shesh, Kelly Terry-Lloyd and I set up the tables in record time and the guests began to arrive shortly.  Laney played iPad and helped Jessica open her gifts.  Everyone kept remarking how well behaved she was.  I was so pleased with the Bug.   I had her take a nap after that so she could stay awake for our late dinner at Andalu.  Laney behaved beautifully at dinner and I inadvertently allowed her to stay up until 11:30 while we had a pj party with Nancy, Shesh, and Linda.  All I can say is, there was no clock in our room, and Laney was busy doing cartwheels and somersaults around the room.  At least she slept in the next day.


On a humorous note, when we arrived back at the hotel suite after the shower, Gigi, Shesh, and I all decided to get more comfy and change clothes.  As I was getting Laney's clothes from the bedroom, I heard Gigi announce to her that she was going to do a strip tease!  I headed back to the sitting room to find Gigi removing her bra from under her dress and twirling it around her finger as she got Laney to hum a sultry tune with her!  Hope Laney doesn't break that term out at preschool any time soon.  Also, on the way to dinner we caught a regular old cab.  The driver wanted to know where we were from and when we told him SD he said that he loved that movie Anchor.  We didn't know what he was talking about until he said, "I love that Ron!"  We determined that he was talking about Anchorman with Will Ferrell.  Then the driver asked us if the movie was based on a true story...I had to bite my lip to keep from laughing at him.  I guess the fact that he was foreign made the movie confusing, but I wonder if he really thinks San Diego is German for a whales va-jay-jay...


We had a fantastic weekend, and I couldn't believe how easy it was to travel with just one kid.  Liam and Patrick had a great guy's weekend too.  Patrick and I were reminded how important it was to give each of our kids some one-on-one time.  We also were excited to think to the future and being able to travel after Liam turns 3!

Thanks Mrs. B!

Liam had an AMAZINGLY awful diaper rash last week.  It was so bad that even touching his little tush with a wet paper towel would make him shake with pain and screech like a banshee.  His bottom was super inflamed and he was needless to say, in a VERY foul mood.

I ended up taking his diaper off of him at Shesh's house and letting him wander the yard in a sweatshirt and sandals for 2 hours.  He was happy as could be outside half nude, and found it very amusing to watch himself pee on the decking, giggling at his arching stream.  That helped his butt a little, but the real fix was a suggestion once given to me by the wise Mrs. Michele Burke.

A & D diaper cream

Thank God she told me to use it!  Officially, I was raised in a Desitin house, and am pretty brand loyal to it.  However, when I smeared a blob of it on Liam's rashy backside this time, he screamed as though I was pinching him.  A light bulb came on over my head as I remembered Auntie Shel's sage advice: 

cover him in A & D before you use the Desitin.

Wow did that work like a charm!  A few hours after beginning the A & D regimen, and he would let me gently wipe him with a wipee.  24 hours  and a whole tube of A & D later, his bottom was back in prime condition. 

Thanks for the advice!  Got any more tips for me?